Cheez Whiz: Love It or Hate It?

 From the Urban Dictionary:

 

Cheez Whiz

1. Artificial cheese. One chemical away from being seran wrap.

2. Lethal spray cheese it can kill a person if used wrongly.

3. BAAAAAH i looooove ma cheez whizz!!!!! i no i waaaaaaaaaaant it!”cheez whiz, you know you want it!”

4. (a) Essence of pure cheezy goodness; (b) Common anal lubrication; (c) Cause of human suffering (i.e., sexually transmitted diseases).

5.the greatest person the world has ever seen. As in “i like cheese”; “i love cheez wiz, hes the greatest person ever”

 

I could probably stop typing right now and leave you as disturbed as I am by the above definitions. I was actually looking for #1 and #5, but the other 3 were total revelations, so I left them in. I feel so old sometimes. I never would have thought of spray-cheesing someone to death. Imagine the grave marker.

 

But it makes my point. I barely consider Cheez Whiz food, and other people love it.

 

If you have found yourself with a jar/can of it and 1) no longer wish to be able to hear your arteries hardening or 2) no longer need it because your 18-year-old daughter finally dumped her 30-year-old boyfriend, I have found a solution.  Joey Green has written a book: Clean Your Clothes with Cheez Whiz: And Hundreds of Offbeat Uses for Dozens More Brand-Name Products. Even if you didn’t need to know that Cheez Whiz takes out greasy stains (odd – it would seem to also create them), she also says that Baby Magic Baby Powder repels ants and you can make a facial out of Cheerios. You can find the book on Amazon and bookstores (if you can still find a bookstore).

 

Looking through the internet, it appears that the lovers greatly outnumber the haters. I discovered a variety of license plate holders: I LOVE CHEEZ WHIZ, I’D RATHER BE EATING CHEEZ WHIZ, ADDICTED TO CHEEZ WHIZ. Oddly enough, none of these plates have been reviewed. May be the same reason I have never seen one on a car. You can also order a variety of t-shirts, hoodies, caps, and mugs with various Cheez Whiz saying and pictures.

 

In keeping with the slightly perverse uses for Cheez Whiz mentioned above, a person named Vice Chick offers the following products (only 3 of each left):

1950s Ritz Crackers Kraft Cheez Whiz Retro Advertising Double-Sided Cigarette Case, ID Holder, Wallet with RFID Theft Protection –

• Double-sided case with strong spring-loaded clips
• Holds 14 credit cards or 16 regular or 100s length cigarettes
• Also keeps the essentials like condoms, cash
• Protects against ID Thieves stealing your credit card information!

Kraft Cheez Whiz Vintage Ad Stainless Steel Pill Box: Holds pills, coins, condoms

• Made in California
• Stainless Steel
• Holds coins, vitamins, medication, guitar picks, condoms
• Compartment insert is removable

Finally, there is Sexual (Deep Dish Cheez Whiz Dub), an MP3 track from Amber.

I’m sure all the Cheez Whiz lovers out there are wondering if I was ever going to get to recipes. Here are two of my favorites (both from the Kraft website):

Cheesy Beer Dip

 What You Need : 1 jar  (15 oz.) CHEEZ WHIZ Cheese Dip; 1/3 cup  beer

MICROWAVE CHEEZ WHIZ as directed on label.

MIX CHEEZ WHIZ and beer in bowl; stir until well blended.

SERVE with pretzels or chips.

 

Transformer Dog

 What you need: 1 pkg.  (1 lb.) OSCAR MAYER Bun-Length Wieners; 1 cup  CHEEZ WHIZ Cheese Dip; 8  hamburger buns, split

PREHEAT grill to medium heat. Slice wieners at 1/2-inch intervals, being careful to not cut all the way through the wieners.

GRILL wieners 6 minutes or until wieners begin to curl and are heated through (160°F), turning after 3 minutes. Meanwhile, microwave the CHEEZ WHIZ as directed on label.

PLACE wieners in buns (curl into circles). Spoon about 2 Tbsp. of the CHEEZ WHIZ into center of each wiener.

 

If you try these recipes and like them, please don’t let me know.